Tuesday, January 24, 2012

How Many Eggs Would Jesus Donate?

Easter is a magical holiday. Not ONLY is it the resurrection day of our Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ, but its ALSO the day where a massive, anthropomorphic rabbit breaks into peoples' homes and leaves brightly colored eggs and little chocolate versions of itself (occasionally toys) resting inside a basket filled with shreds of paper and plastic! What a day!

Its such a magical day, that it doesn't even fall on the same day (or even month) the same year in a row! It just hops around, much like its demented mascot... the bunny, not Jesus. Jesus never broke into anyone's home, as far as I know... but hey! There are quite a few years missing from his life, so who knows! For all we know, Jesus was in a biker gang (or camels) and had Holy Mary Mother of Me tattooed on his ass.

But, regardless of whether or not you worship the most famous zombie in history, or if you follow the more secular path of scarfing down chocolate rabbit babies squeezed out by their bunny burglar dad/mom (cause we don't really know what sex the Easter Bunny is), you can't deny that Easter is more than a time of worship, and turkey, and presents and... wait. That sounds suspiciously like several other holidays. Eating tons of food, getting things you didn't earn/deserve, paying homage to millenia old symbols of pagan religions (not to mention stories and events that existed LONG before Christianity)... I digress.

Everyone knows that Easter is all about: poor people. That's right. Poor people, and not just ANY poor people, but poor, black urbanites under the age of 18. And when you are a white Christian, NOTHING gives you more reason for the season than delivering carton fulls of plastic eggs to these youngsters, safe in the knowledge that you are giving them the most valuable thing they'll ever have: the love of Jesus H. Christ. Never mind the fact that most of them have no homes, no family, nothing to their names but the clothes on their backs and the memories of watching mom or dad shoot up on the toilet, then gank all the Funyuns for themselves before passing out in a drug-induced stupor. Never mind that they will most likely grow up with little to no education, emotional support system, or role-models to show them the proper way of being a human being. Never mind that many of them will not survive past 18 because they will either be killed by senseless violence, die from disease due to lack of healthcare, or fall into the same trap their parents fell into that put them here in the first place.

So long as they have Jesus, everything is peaches and candy.

And, if you want to give a carton of Zombie Eggs to assist in brainwashing the huddled masses, by all means. Donate! Donate! Donate! Jesus LOVES donations... only don't give them clothes or food or an education... You have to keep them poor, hungry and stupid if you want to keep control. Because the worse thing that could happen is they could grow up and think for themselves, and that just won't do. Will it?

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